(In my feels) "missing the boat" in life.

 What happens to the people in life who constantly "miss the boat"? 

I wish I was "asking for a friend" but sadly I am not. I am asking for myself. I often wonder what happens to people like me who just do not have the luck or hit the milestones in life. 

Here I am almost 40 with what to show for it? Most days I can't believe that I am an adult. It sounds strange but I am the "Grown up" now. When did this happen? It doesn't feel real. I think growing up the "adult life" meant being married and having children. I have none of those with pretty much no hope of ever having those things. People I know for years have been married for years now with more than one child. That is wild to me. It seemed like yesterday that we were young thinking about how many kids we would want to have and what our future husband would look like. When I was younger, I always used to have this reoccurring dream which now kind of seems like a nightmare. 

In the dream I would be at my wedding ceremony. I would be all the way at the back of the church waiting for them to open the doors. Each time I had this dream the music would start playing, they would open the doors, and I would start my walk. To this day I never saw the grooms face in any of those dreams. I can remember waking up and thinking it was weird and just hoping the next time I dreamt I would see who was waiting at the other end. I never did. Now thinking back on it maybe that was foreshadowing? Maybe that was the universe telling me I was going to miss the boat on marriage? I've always been very in tune with the universe. I feel things deeper than most people and see beyond what the normal eyes see. It's always been a blessing and a curse. 

I sometimes wish I was like "normal" people who do not pick up every change in behavior and or tone. I wish my gut feelings about things not being right would just shut up because then maybe I would have been able to be like everyone else. Maybe I would've made the boat instead of missing out. I hope this makes some type of sense to someone. I see everything and feel everything and that makes it hard to "fake the funk" so to speak. I don't think humans are supposed to know everything but for some reason I do. Now don't get me wrong it's not that I am not thankful for this most days but sometimes I wish I could just be like everyone else and let things play out naturally. I often feel like I am just a bystander or a "helper" giving people directions to the boat but never making it on myself. Maybe that could also mean I'm so busy helping others that I have never really been able to help myself? Wow I never really thought about that. I think my therapist would be proud! 

If you're out there and you resonate with this...please don't forget about yourself. You can't always help everyone get on the boat. Sometimes you have to help yourself before it's too late and you miss it for good.  💜